ROMANCE?...RESPECT!!

Oftentimes, when asked what the keys for having a healthy relationship are, people identify communication, trust, attention, appreciation etc. as being important. Hardly ever does “respect” get a mention.

However grossly disregarded, I believe it is one of the most essential elements needed to build a successful/long-lasting relationship. Could that be what inspired Aretha Franklin to sing “R E S P E C T…find out what it means to me?...R E S P E C T...take care TCB.”

That's just by the way.

According to Wikipedia, respect is defined as: “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” Elsewhere, Merriam Webster's Dictionary defines respect as: "an act of giving particular attention to" or "a high or special regard" [for someone/something].

Based on the above definitions, I define respect in the context of relationships as: “giving particular attention or showing appreciation for the person you are in a relationship with.  It also involves showing regard for the things that concern him/her.”

From the forgoing, I have identified four key areas where respect comes into play in relationships.

 

Respect for gender differences.
Men and women need to respect those psychological and behavioral traits that define their respective genders. They both are intrinsically different as God so fashioned/created them. Based on this, they will never respond in the same manner to the same situation. This is an unchangeable fact. For instance, men generally are logical beings, while women are emotional; hence men are often described as “thinkers” while women are “feelers.” Both parties in a relationship need to respect and accept these gender differences. A woman shouldn't expect a man to behave the way she does or vice-versa. Showing respect in this capacity demonstrates that both of you value each other's gender.

 

Respect individual differences.

In a relationship, the two must learn to respect the fact that individual differences in personality and character will always exist. This holds true because both were nurtured differently. Undoubtedly for a relationship to work, two people must have a lot of things in common but there will always be areas where dissimilarities are present. Learn to view your differences as uniqueness, not a weakness.

Respect ascribed valuable things/spaces.

For married couples, the importance of this cannot be understated. As much as you may have the right to each other's things...you should learn to respect whatever spaces/items that are of value to the other person. Whether it is your spouse's shoe closet or book collection, for instance. Nobody likes their stuff being messed up wantonly. Tolerance shouldn't be an excuse to disrespect each other’s valuables.

Respect the need for alone time.

Quality time together is essential in relationships...but we must remember that there will be moments when we may want to be alone for one reason or another. If your significant other has asked for this, then respect his/her wish. This is where being considerate of the other's desires comes into play. Don't think that because someone loves you, he/she must spend every passing moment with you.

 

Realize that you don't have to love someone in order to show them respect...but if you profess to love a person, then you SHOULD respect him/her. Don't intentionally act in a rude manner or talk carelessly, just because the other person can handle it. Behave respectfully as much as it depends on you. Also learn to respect (and not ridicule or belittle) each other's achievements (career-wise, academic, etc.).

 

When you respect the person you love, it shows that you value him/her and hence, your relationship.
Remember that respect is earned, not given.

I leave you with a quote from a book I once read: "the true meaning of romance is respect."

 

 

 

Judge not, love more!

It seems those of us in the body of Christ have become more judgmental than ever before. Virtually every day I log into my Facebook, I’m left appalled and altogether saddened at a lot of the posts and comments from those who profess Christ. I recently decided to unfollow a certain Christian news Facebook page due to their condemnatory posts. I just couldn’t fathom how a Christian site could spew such hateful and judgmental words. More than 80 percent of the comment threads on such posts were even more spiteful and negative.  I often wondered how a non-Christian would react if he/she stumbled on that site. I still wonder about that.

It’s amazing that though most Christians are familiar with the fact that the Bible cautions us not to judge, we continue doing the finger-pointing and name-calling all under the guise of speaking the truth and trying to help people out of sin.  

Here’s what Jesus taught on the subject matter.

“Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5.

Jesus’ message is clear: when we decide to judge others, we open ourselves up to be judged as well. And by so doing, our own faults, sins and inadequacies will be exposed.  When you point a finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. Jesus said, “how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?”

Before you call someone a fornicator, be certain that you are a virgin or are not engaging in any form of sexual immorality. Before you label someone a thief or a liar, let it be that you have never taken anything that doesn’t belong to you…or have never spoken words that are not true. Your judgment over other people will only be justified if you have never done (or are not doing) any of the things you speak about them… “For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” Don’t go cleaning out other people’s closets, forgetting that you too have a skeleton-laden, cobweb infested closet of your own.  Because yes! We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God…no one is perfect. Every day, we need God’s forgiveness and a dose of grace to keep us from stumbling or to get back up when we fall.

While there’s an onus on believers to always stand for and speak the truth, we are not called to judge…we are called to love. The two greatest commandments which Jesus…the author of our Christian faith gave us, are to love God wholeheartedly and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). Each time we judge someone, we miss an opportunity to lift them up. When we go around telling people how bad or sinful they are, we create a barrier that blocks us from expressing the love of God to them. 

Jesus didn’t just teach love…He lived a life of love. He set the example for us to emulate. Ironically, the only people He out rightly condemned were the Pharisees (the teachers and keepers of the law)…and for the very same hypocritical attitude which He warns us against.

It is God's job to judge, the Holy Spirit's job to convict and our job to love.

And when you don't know how to show them love...pray for them!

Take the limits off!

So many people go through life without any serious dreams, ambitions or concrete plans for themselves…for the future. Others do have plans, but are unable to execute them. Further still, many have talents and gifts but aren't putting them to use; they've remained buried, dormant...not yielding anything fruitful or tangible.

It dawned on me that the main reason why so many people seem to underachieve in life is because of self-imposed limitations, which keep them from never taking that bold step towards achieving their dreams.

Here are the four big ones:

1. People impose limits on themselves due to their circumstances. They look at their environment, family situation, and financial resources etc and conclude that they can't be successful at anything.

2. Oftentimes, we place limits on ourselves based on our past. If we tried certain things before and they didn't turn out right, we give up. We also cling to past mistakes we made and allow them define who we are, hence stifling what we're capable of doing right.

3. Some place limits on themselves based on other people's opinions...what others think they should (or shouldn't) be doing. Many people live out their lives through the eyes of others, and never truly get to discover what great potentials they possess.

4. Another major limitation we place on ourselves is fear. Fear of failure, criticism, and mockery from others. Fear makes you become comfortable where you are, even though you know there is something much better on the other side.

When you place limits on yourself, you'll always come close to doing something, but never actually do it. You'll constantly see yourself as second-best, not good enough, not talented enough, etc. Limitations will always create a barrier between an ordinary, regular life and a fulfilling one.

It is not God's plan for us to go through life without real purpose and without making positive impact. This holds true especially for Christians. God hasn't called us to live anything less than a fulfilling, purposeful and successful life in Him. Infact, we were created on purpose...for a purpose. For Christians, what separates us from the world is that our purpose should glorify God. Whatever we do with our abilities and gifts should reflect God in us.

There is no limit to what God can do. With Him, all things are possible…so with us in Him, and He in us…the sky is just the starting point. This is the kind of thought pattern we ought to develop…we must decide to take the limits off…and learn to see the endless possibilities that exist for us. We only have one chance on earth to make an impact, to productively use our talents and gifts...and we should be determined to do just that.

It first begins in the heart.

"I used to be so judgmental about the way some people dressed. Not long ago, I thought that I couldn't wear jeans while I was teaching at a conference, but my son said to me, "Do you really think that God anoints polyester more than denim?"" ~ Joyce Meyer

The above passage is culled from one of Joyce Meyer's Daily Devotionals and her son's very poignant question got me thinking. Are some people more anointed than others because of how they dress? Does God look at whether a person is "dressed-up" in formal attire or "dressed-down" in casual wear before He sends down His presence or before He works through them? Why do we often judge Christians based on how they dress...or more aptly, on their appearance?

The accompanying scripture reading for that day's devotional was, "But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1Samuel 16:7

I decided to read 1Samuel 16 from the beginning and in the verses preceeding this one, God had instructed Samuel to anoint the next King of Israel from the house of Jesse after He had rejected Saul.
Eliab, Jesse's first son was presented and Samuel thought he could be the next King because he looked the part. However, God rejected Him when He said: “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature because I have refused him."

David, the least "kingly looking" of the lot, a ruddy-looking shepherd boy...Jesse's last son, was chosen by God and anointed to be King. Of course we all know David's story and the fact that Jesus earthly genealogy is in the lineage of David.

The story of the Pharisees comes to mind. They were the only set of people Jesus woefully condemned. They looked clean, and wholesome on the outside...but their hearts were dark and so far from the very God they professed. Hear some of His words to them.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee, first cleanse the inside of the cup and dish, that the outside of them may be clean also. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." Matthew 23: 25-28.

Bottom-line is this: what is of utmost importance to God is the state of our heart. What He desires is a heart that loves Him wholly and seeks to please Him in all and through all. A heart that is wholly devoted to Him...an obedient heart.

Let's not pay so much attention to our outer appearance and neglect the part of us where Jesus dwells...our hearts. We should first of all set our hearts right with God. When your inside is truly in right standing with God, your outside will reflect this.

Selah!

Single and searching?...

That his lips smile at you doesn't mean you make his heart smile
Because he gives you things doesn't mean he wants to give you his heart.

That she calls you "Dear" doesn't mean you're dear to her.
Because she says you're good looking doesn't mean you're the one she's been looking for.

Attention doesn't always mean affection.
That someone gives you their time, doesn't mean they want you in their life. Sometimes you're just an option because they're bored...and not their first choice. Sometimes...many times, its lust not love.

Don't dive head first, into relationships. Don't get carried away by the excitement of meeting someone new.  Let intuition guide and guard you.

Intuition...the sixth sense...that voice of truth. Listen to it...never ignore it.
It will help you: 1. Discern between when they truly care about you and when they're just being nice. 2. Discover the motive(s) behind their kind behavior. Is it because they want you in their life or because you are simply someone who can be useful to them.

Intuition never fails. I believe it is the offspring of wisdom...with which you can never go wrong.

Keep your intuition receptors activated as you make decisions about relationships. You'll spare yourself whole lot of heartache and way too many headaches!

Even the little things...

Many of us tend to believe God for BIG miracles. Miracles like getting a job you never expected, being healed from sickness, a sudden major financial breakthrough, and for some people…finding the man or woman of your dreams after years of heartbreak or loneliness. In other words, we have imbibed this notion that if it’s not something big, then it’s not a miracle or something worth testifying about.

While it is good to believe God for big miracles…we should learn to trust Him to do “little” miracles for us as well. Though I hold the opinion that when God is involved in something, it is never little.

Let me share a sweet little testimony with you. Ooops! Did I just say “little testimony?” I meant to say… “testimony.”

Sometime towards the end of last year, I resolved that I was going to start exercising regularly at least thrice a week once the New Year kicks in. This didn’t seem feasible in reality…with the rigor of my weekly routine. On weekdays, I’m up at 5am every morning, off to work at 6am (sometimes earlier), leave the office at about 5pm and usually don’t get home till between 7pm-7:30pm. On very light traffic days I could get home at 6:30pm…but this happens very occasionally. Once home, I attend to family matters, watch a bit of TV to relieve the stress of Lagos traffic…but usually by 10pm…sleep comes knocking at my door due to the fact that I’m already extremely exhausted. I knew getting fit wasn’t up for bargain in any way…I needed it. I thought of maybe going to the gym twice a week after I close work, but that would mean my getting home even later…which wouldn’t be favorable since I have to be up at 5am every day.

Then about two weeks ago, a memo got passed round the office by Management that a compulsory exercise/fitness program would commence the following week on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5pm-6pm for all staff. It didn’t even dawn on me that this was an answered prayer until a conversation I had with my sister days later about it. She said to me “God has answered your prayers. You’ve been talking about joining a gym and now, you don’t have to do that but you get to workout as you desired. God loves you.”

That was when it hit me. God had given me the desire of my heart far as this was concerned. Not only do I get to exercise twice a week, I don’t have to spend money enrolling in a gym. I got more than what I desired. Sure, I’d get home later than normal on those days, but the workout times were just perfect since I’m usually not physically tired at 5pm. I thought about this after our session on Tuesday and I was wowed at just how concerned God is about our lives. He does even the littlest things for us. I simply marveled at the depth of His love towards us. It is an all-encompassing love.

But I started to wonder why people think some prayers or desires are too small to present before God. I mean If He clothes the lilies of the field, the birds of the air and even sends down rain which grass, plants and trees need to grow…why won’t He take care of the ones He made in His own image? If we delight ourselves in Him, He shall give us the desires of our heart. (See Psalm 37:4).

Like a father/mother to a child, so is God to us. He cares about us so deeply. He cares about every facet of our lives…and He wants us to trust Him with everything that concerns us.

This may seem like a silly testimony to some…but to others, I hope it will cause us to begin to invite God into every aspect of our lives and expect little miracles in addition to the big ones. There is absolutely nothing God cannot do…you’ve just got to activate that faith button and keep it turned on, always!

OH...its Thursday and I'm off for my workout class!!

 

Finding strength in moments of weakness.

I haven’t blogged about anything since the year began. I must confess that lately I’d been at a relatively low state emotionally and psychologically which was beginning to take a toll on my spiritual life. I’d not been observing my quiet time with God as has been the norm. One of the goals I had given myself for 2015 was to spend at least an hour on Bible-study and another hour or more in private/prayer and worship daily. The first few weeks of January went as planned far as that was concerned. I was also enthusiastic about my other 2015 goals.

Somewhere in the middle of January, things begin to change….not for the better. I suddenly found myself losing the drive and motivation to do anything pertaining to my penned-down goals. The financial expectations I had just weren’t materializing. It was as if everything around me suddenly stood still. Health challenges set in…migraine headaches, on and off malaria and regular bouts of insomnia. Add to this the daily Lagos grind beginning with 5am alarms, long traffic-laden drives to and from work, and my energy level took a dip. On Saturdays (the days I set aside to work on other things) I’d be in bed most of the day trying to rest and recover from the week’s hustle. I started experiencing a spiritual disconnect due to not sticking to my daily prayer/Bible study routine. I got to a point and I was simply just tired.

I am typically a very strong-willed and optimistic person but at this point, I found myself actually giving into the fear of not achieving anything meaningful this year. I seemed to have become the perfect candidate for Satan – the accuser of brethren, to torment with negative thoughts, hoping that I would actually accept that nothing good will come my way. I started to feel inadequate, unqualified and simply not good enough for God to use in anyway. I would often hear these words in my head “look at your past, your mistakes, your mess…” I talked with my family a few times about what I was experiencing. They did an excellent job of gingering me not to quit after such conversations, but the negative thoughts would playback in my head and the vicious cycle began all over again.

All this culminated a few nights ago. While lying down in bed meditating, I realized that I had two options: to give up or to get up and get going. Deep in the inner recesses of my heart, I knew I couldn’t afford to give up. I just didn’t know how to pick myself up out of this state of lowliness. I didn’t know how to pray about it ether…I honestly didn’t! Opening up and sharing my problems with people has never been my forte. Mainly because I am aware that everyone is fighting a battle of their own and the last thing I ever want is be someone’s burden.

While chatting with a friend on Whatsapp the next day, I didn’t realize when I typed “I’ve been feeling depressed lately…just keep me in your prayers.” My friend ofcourse pressed to know what was wrong but I wouldn’t budge. I honestly didn’t know how to start talking about it. The advice he gave me was that I talk to someone about everything I was feeling. “Huh?”…I wondered to myself… “But I’m talking to you (or at least I’m trying to)”…I said to myself. We had a back and forth conversation then my friend said something to me that really struck a chord in my heart. “Just know that someone would do anything to be who you are, regardless.” Then he finally said… “I think it’s the right time to thank God for what He has done for you, members of your family…and praise Him in advance. Worship Him in totality, no distractions, (without the iPods and headphones). Worship brings down God. Your worship will bring Him close. You are a worshipper and this is who you need to be at this point. Don’t ask, just worship.” All I could say was “thanks for everything” and our conversation was over. I went to bed that night feeling quite ashamed of myself for my show of ingratitude towards God. Indeed God has been relentlessly loving, faithful, gracious and sufficient to my family and me. He has done so much for each and every one of us in the last year.

I may have been down healthwise, but I still have life. I thought about the late Whitney Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina who is currently comatose, breathing with the help of a ventilator. A few days before her incident, she was excited at new prospects for the year. Now, her family members are left praying for a miracle for her life.

I have decided to simply be grateful for life, to be able to breathe in and out, unaided….that is a gift that should never be taken lightly.

My friend gave me a hot serving of the truth…and those words have echoed in my heart since then. I have no reason to give up when truly someone somewhere is wishing they could have my life. That obviously means I am more blessed than I realize.

I learned a valuable lesson in all this...a lesson I believe will help you too. There are three ways I believe one can find strength and peace in moments of weakness: 1. Count your blessings. Take time to reflect on your life and you’d be amazed at how faithful God has been to you. 2. Maintain an attitude of thanksgiving inspite of your circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says “in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Realize that no matter how bad things are, someone is going through something much worse. Be grateful always. 3. Our faith must be tried and tested before it can be trusted. James 1:2-4 says: “…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. "

If you can endure till the end, you will come out better.