Friendzone

Friendzone is a fictional story I wrote sometime last month. I've been getting inspired to add more parts to it. Lets see how that goes.

Have a great read!

Hunk and Pretty Girl's meeting was accidental, he bumped into her at the doorway of the office tea room as she was heading out, sending her cup of freshly made coffee crashing to the ground. It was her second day at the job, while Hunk had been there a couple of years. After several "I am sorrys," the two exchanged pleasantries and Hunk promised to make up for the mess he made by taking Pretty girl out during lunch break. This was after he made her another cup of java. That lunch date marked the beginning of something remarkable for the pair.

Three months later, Hunk and Pretty girl are inseparable, best friends, two peas in a pod, "like 5&6" as we love to call it on this side. They talk about anything and everything. He makes coffee for her every morning once she gets to the office, and they've made having lunch together a daily ritual. Every Saturday night, Pretty Girl goes to one of the town's most popular digs, The Lounge, to watch Hunk strum away at his guitar; Saturday is “music and poetry night” at the lounge. Gossip is already spreading like wildfire at the office that the two are not only an item, but soon-to-be Mr & Mrs Hunk. Their colleagues are hopeful for nuptials between the two.

Everything seems rosy and dandy till about a year after that accidental meeting when Pretty Girl is informed by Management that she's been transferred to the company's office in another city. She's bummed about it..."how will I do life without my best friend just around the corner?" her heart dampens as she tries to envision it. Two of them meet later that day for their usual “lunch-devouz” and Pretty Girl breaks the news to him. The date ended on an extreme low...as she lets it out that she'll be relocating in two weeks.

Three months later, Pretty Girl and Hunk are adjusting to life apart. They still talk every day, at least 4-5 times, and Hunk never fails to fill his Pretty Girl in on his Saturday night guitar gigs while she sighs about how she hasn't had much of a social life since moving.

Pretty Girl decides about 6 months after changing base that she'll spring a surprise visit on Hunk during her upcoming vacation. She plans everything to a T, and even gets a few of Hunk's favorite things to present as a gift. She arrives her old town a fortnight later, on a Friday and plans to surprise Hunk the next day. She's quite familiar with his daily routine, so knows what time he'll be at his apartment.
She knocks on his door late Saturday morning...Hunk opens and is totally stunned to see his Pretty Girl standing there, wide-eyed, all smiles with a tint of blush. They share deep, warm hug for about a minute. "I've missed you," "When did you get in?" "What a wonderful surprise!" "I’m elated to see you, Pretty Girl" he says and hugs her again. She enters his apartment, and marvels that the place hasn't changed much over the past months. They walk towards the living room and Pretty Girl stops suddenly in her tracks when she spots a woman sitting on one of the chairs. The lady gets up, turns towards Pretty Girl and Hunk, smiles warmly and says "it's so nice to finally meet you."
Hunk then says to Pretty Girl "please meet Doll Face" His best friend half-smiles and Doll Face gives her a side hug. Pretty Girl has dozens of questions for her bff, but she refrains from saying anything.
"I'm sure you two have a lot of catching up to do, yeah? so I think I’ll leave now," Doll Face, continues to Hunk "call me later, okay?" and leaves the apartment.
Hunk says to Pretty Girl "aren't you gonna sit down, lemme make us some good ol' coffee, yeah?" and heads off to the kitchen.

 As they talk over coffee, Hunk reminisces on how they first met...over spilled coffee. Pretty Girl tries to enjoy the moment with her best friend but her heart is still a mix-bag of emotions. She decides to speak up, "So tell me about Doll Face...who is she?"

Days later, Pretty Girl's heart still hurts when she remembers how the surprise she had so carefully crafted for her best friend turned sour and wished she had never gone to see him. She recalls the moment Hunk had told her that the lovely Doll Face was his girlfriend, how they had met a few months ago at The Lounge and had started dating a few weeks after. "She's an amazing woman, funny, artistic and intelligent. She reminds me of you a lot. I'm happy, she makes me really happy." She recalls how his eyes lit up as he gushed over his Doll Face. She remembers how taken aback Hunk was that she was less enthusiastic about his relationship...how she tried to shield her apparent hurt and jealousy by saying that Hunk shouldn't get carried away over someone he met a few months ago and hardly knows. An argument ensued thereafter and she left his apartment back to the hotel she was staying forgetting to give him the gifts she'd bought.

They settled the fight the next day over lunch after church, and Pretty Girl told Hunk how she wished him nothing but happiness. He reminded her how much he cares about her and will always be her best friend through all. Pretty Girl spent the remaining two days socializing with her colleagues at her former office before leaving town. She ofcourse gave Hunk the gifts she'd got him as they said their "goodbyes" when he dropped her off at the airport.

She hasn't been herself since she returned. She has cried her heart out almost every night. She can't understand why Hunk sought happiness in the arms of someone else when she's been keeping herself for him all along. He always told her he loved her and how she brought sanity to his life. She had always felt she was the only woman in his life and the one he wanted to be with forever. The thought of him being with someone else brought a hollow feeling inside. She started to feel something for Hunk that seemed like hate. "How could you?" she thought as she lay in bed one night "how dare you play with my heart like that?" "I’m done with you Hunk, so done." "I never want to hear from you again!" "You go be with your Doll Face and be happy...I'll be fine by myself, I don't need you. I hate you! I hate you!!!" Tears started to flow, she sobbed and sobbed until she had no more tears left.
Days and weeks passed and Pretty Girl didn't answer or return any of Hunk's phone calls. She didn't reply his messages either. As far as she was concerned, she hated Hunk and wanted nothing more to do with him.

She's lying in bed at home one evening when her doorbell rings, and to her amazement, there's Hunk standing at her doorstep. Deep down inside, Pretty girl was beyond happy to see him, but on the outside, she was cold and unaffectionate. She starred at him, blank-faced.
"I've been so worried about you over the past few weeks when I couldn't reach you. I expressed my concern to Doll Face and she suggested I come over to know what's going on...so here I am!" He hugged her and said, "I'm so glad to see you alive and well...I thought something had happened to you, I was scared to death."
Pretty Girl's heart broke at that instance. She hugged him back tightly and said "Yeah I'm fine...I'm doing fine." That was when it hit her that she didn't need to be Hunk's girlfriend in order to have a place in his life. They had real friendship...one that shouldn't be taken for granted. She understands that they needn’t throw that away because they weren't romantically involved or planning to get married. They can learn from each other and help each other grow in life.

She expressed all this to him as they talked over coffee (like they always did) a short while later. "Maybe I can even be your daughter's God mother, you know?" she joked. They both laughed.

80/20 Love.

Pat struck up a conversation with a new colleague at work a few days ago and discovered that he loves adventure trips, just like her. Over the next weeks, they became best buddies. She's always pumped about heading to the office; she looks forward to spending time with Jeff.  "It's so nice to be able to have conversation  with someone who loves travelling," she said to Jeff one day at the office. Pat's husband Donald has noticed his wife's aloofness towards him and her new enthusiasm every work day. He can't figure out what's wrong.


Susan has been perplexed lately...her husband Dave is a totally different man; he no longer complains about her lack of interest art. "It's okay if you don't want to watch me work, I understand," he told her a few days ago as he was working on a new painting. Susan is totally confused about his new attitude and sudden metamorphosis. Unknown to her, Dave has become friendly with a lady he met at an art gallery recently. Their love for art is the bridge that has connected them. It's the reason why Dave isn't bothered about his wife's disinterest in this aspect of his life.

For Pat and Dave, their new friendships are blossoming at the expense of both their marital relationships. Pat's husband Donald feels neglected while Susan cannot comprehend that she and Dave no loner argue over things like before. It's left her unsettled.

The path which both Pat and Dave are treading on is dangerous. Dangerous because the more time each spends with their "buddy," the more closer they'll bond; more so because they have something in common. It may not be long before the friendship develops into something deeper.

There are many real-life Pats and Daves in the world. People in committed relationships who leave what they have, in search of what they don't have.

Heard about The 80/20 Rule of relationships?
Well, it basically states that you only get 80 percent of what you want from a relationship and 20 percent of what you want, you don't get.

This rule is predicated on the idea that since no human being is perfect, he/she can't be 100 percent what you want them to be. Our flaws, weaknesses and idiosyncrasies will always limit how much we are able to put into a relationship. Nonetheless, the 80 we are able to give is enough for the other person and creates the breeding ground for a wholesome relationship.

Having full understanding of this rule helps us try to reason why people are unfaithful in relationships. Usually, people attach more significance to the 20 percent that isn't gotten and decide to look for it outside their relationship. Many have lost wonderful relationships in quest for the 20, only to later realize they were at their best with 80.





So here's what couples and would-be couples should take-home from this:

1. Accept that truly, no one can give you 100 percent of what you want and neither can you. What matters is that both of you give each other your best...which is good enough for your relationship to thrive.

2. Learn to appreciate your significant other. The more you appreciate one another, the more your relationship grows in value. Whatever you value, you will protect and do everything to keep.

3. If you want your partner to put in more than 80, find ways to communicate this lovingly.
Sometimes, people need to be told where they're falling short. Consciously decide to compromise and meet each other halfway. You both may not share the same interests, but you can learn to enjoy what the other likes.

It may always seem easier to find your 20 somewhere else, but the grass always looks greener on the other side...until you get to the other side! Remember that human perspective is  limited.
May it never be said that you lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones.

When you see red flags...STOP!!

 

Red flags in relationships are those pointers to negative behavioral patterns, character traits or even bad habits that could negatively affect the survival of that relationship.

One mistake many people make is that they see obvious red flags, things about their significant other that they just can't live with...fiery tempers, domineering tendencies, pride, irresponsibility, toxic addictions to name a few…and they think: "when we marry, he/she will change," or "we will manage each other somehow!" For instance, the world is rife with stories of women who married men with blazing hot uncontrollable tempers, hoping that they would "simmer down" after marriage. Such women sadly ended up in abusive marriages...many with tragic repercussions.

Ignoring red-flags while dating, with the hope that things would change once you walk down the aisle is an erroneous way of thinking, not faith. A marriage is not some kind of magic show where you can correct your spouse’s flaws with a wave of a wand and an "abracadabra!"  Yes! people can change for the better, but a person will only do so when he/she accepts that there’s a problem which needs to be worked on, then makes a conscious decision to turn a new leaf. All the love you have to give a man or woman just won’t be enough to make them change for the better, if they see themselves as perfect.

 

Even regarding our spiritual lives, we must decide that we need salvation and invite Jesus into our hearts. He stands at the door knocking...and it’s up to us to either let Him in or not. That's because we each have the free-will to make our own choices.

One truth about marriage is that it cements everything in a relationship...the good, the bad and the ugly! And if the bad and ugly outweighs the good...it spells trouble. If the bad and ugly is too significant to be set aside, you should re-consider marriage no matter how painful it may be to end the relationship. The pain of ending a friendship or courtship cannot be compared to the pain of a broken marriage.

A marriage is meant to be enjoyed (even in the midst of tough times) and not endured. Your desire should not be to manage a marriage but to thrive in it. Being in the wrong marriage will have a negative effect on every other aspect of your life.

When clear signs of impending danger pop up in your relationship...hit the brakes! Spend time and truthfully appraise each other. Anything you both cannot handle when you are dating or courting, will be even tougher to handle when you are married.

Staying in a relationship where there are very clear red-flags (and in some cases, red billboards) could very well lead to regret later on in marriage. Regret is a very painful road to walk down. No one should jump into a fiery situation hoping not to get burned. It's just not wise.

When you see red flags...STOP!!!

 

Relationship guidelines worth remembering.

If there's one issue that everyone will be faced with at one point in time, it is that of relationships. Because every person has an innate desire to belong, to relate with the opposite sex and to experience love, relationships are part of the human experience. If you look to the creation story in Genesis 2, you'd see that Adam was lonely in the garden, even though he was technically not alone (as there were other animals on earth). Adam didn't have someone of his kind (human) and type (compatible) to relate with. We can therefore see that the need for relationship with the opposite sex was in man from the beginning. Of course, most adults who enter into relationships desire for such to end in marriage, which according to the scriptures, is still in line with God's purpose. When God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone, He created Eve and she became his wife “And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” Genesis 2:18 [NKJV]. Eve was therefore meant to be a life-time companion to Adam. This is actually God’s idea of marriage…it’s about companionship.

 A husband and wife are supposed to be each other’s best friend. They lovingly (not forcefully or grudgingly) should be able to live as one with each other, and be well able to handle each other’s weaknesses. This is evidently what God intended by forming Eve out of Adam; she had ‘the stuff’ which was needed to live compatibly with him. Adam himself got this revelation when he said of Eve, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man,” Genesis 2:23 [NKJV]. A husband and wife are like two sides of the same coin.

Based on this premise, singles need to understand that not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. It would be safe to say that some relationships are just meant for the moment, or to put it more aptly, for a season. There are people God brings into your life for a specific purpose, and when this purpose has been fulfilled, He removes them. In such cases, it would be unwise to try and keep the relationship going. As a Christian, you must always believe that God knows what is best for you. So if He removes someone from your life, don’t try to keep him/her. People need to know that friendship must be the foundation of every relationship that is headed down the marriage path. If you’re in a relationship that is devoid of genuine friendship, I wouldn’t think it wise to consider getting married.

Just because you like a person, doesn't mean you need a relationship with him/her. There are people that will not add any value to your life, but rather subtract from it.

 Many relationships are simply time-wasters while some people will only help destroy your destiny or distract you from it.

Furthermore, avoid being involved with someone who makes you compromise your faith, values and ideals. Even the Bible tells us that “evil company corrupts good habits” 1 Corinthians 15:33. We must also remember that the Bible warns believers not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers.” This is very applicable in deciding about relationships also.

The worst mistake we can make is to constantly get mixed up with people who make us conform to their own image or ideas of who we should be. Never lose yourself and/or your identity because you want a man/woman to love you. Learn to guard your heart from unnecessary heartbreak and hurt.

If you desire marriage, then believe that just like God tailor-made Eve for Adam, so has He created a spouse for you. There is someone that is your perfect match, one who compliments you in every sense of the word...someone with whom you CAN build a lifelong love-filled relationship. By faith, you can ask God to bring this person into your life. And when you find the one God made for you, you'll be accepted for who you are...even your weaknesses won't be an issue. 

 Always remember that you have the Holy Spirit and the word of God to guide and counsel you in every aspect of your life, even as regards relationships.

ROMANCE?...RESPECT!!

Oftentimes, when asked what the keys for having a healthy relationship are, people identify communication, trust, attention, appreciation etc. as being important. Hardly ever does “respect” get a mention.

However grossly disregarded, I believe it is one of the most essential elements needed to build a successful/long-lasting relationship. Could that be what inspired Aretha Franklin to sing “R E S P E C T…find out what it means to me?...R E S P E C T...take care TCB.”

That's just by the way.

According to Wikipedia, respect is defined as: “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” Elsewhere, Merriam Webster's Dictionary defines respect as: "an act of giving particular attention to" or "a high or special regard" [for someone/something].

Based on the above definitions, I define respect in the context of relationships as: “giving particular attention or showing appreciation for the person you are in a relationship with.  It also involves showing regard for the things that concern him/her.”

From the forgoing, I have identified four key areas where respect comes into play in relationships.

 

Respect for gender differences.
Men and women need to respect those psychological and behavioral traits that define their respective genders. They both are intrinsically different as God so fashioned/created them. Based on this, they will never respond in the same manner to the same situation. This is an unchangeable fact. For instance, men generally are logical beings, while women are emotional; hence men are often described as “thinkers” while women are “feelers.” Both parties in a relationship need to respect and accept these gender differences. A woman shouldn't expect a man to behave the way she does or vice-versa. Showing respect in this capacity demonstrates that both of you value each other's gender.

 

Respect individual differences.

In a relationship, the two must learn to respect the fact that individual differences in personality and character will always exist. This holds true because both were nurtured differently. Undoubtedly for a relationship to work, two people must have a lot of things in common but there will always be areas where dissimilarities are present. Learn to view your differences as uniqueness, not a weakness.

Respect ascribed valuable things/spaces.

For married couples, the importance of this cannot be understated. As much as you may have the right to each other's things...you should learn to respect whatever spaces/items that are of value to the other person. Whether it is your spouse's shoe closet or book collection, for instance. Nobody likes their stuff being messed up wantonly. Tolerance shouldn't be an excuse to disrespect each other’s valuables.

Respect the need for alone time.

Quality time together is essential in relationships...but we must remember that there will be moments when we may want to be alone for one reason or another. If your significant other has asked for this, then respect his/her wish. This is where being considerate of the other's desires comes into play. Don't think that because someone loves you, he/she must spend every passing moment with you.

 

Realize that you don't have to love someone in order to show them respect...but if you profess to love a person, then you SHOULD respect him/her. Don't intentionally act in a rude manner or talk carelessly, just because the other person can handle it. Behave respectfully as much as it depends on you. Also learn to respect (and not ridicule or belittle) each other's achievements (career-wise, academic, etc.).

 

When you respect the person you love, it shows that you value him/her and hence, your relationship.
Remember that respect is earned, not given.

I leave you with a quote from a book I once read: "the true meaning of romance is respect."

 

 

 

Judge not, love more!

It seems those of us in the body of Christ have become more judgmental than ever before. Virtually every day I log into my Facebook, I’m left appalled and altogether saddened at a lot of the posts and comments from those who profess Christ. I recently decided to unfollow a certain Christian news Facebook page due to their condemnatory posts. I just couldn’t fathom how a Christian site could spew such hateful and judgmental words. More than 80 percent of the comment threads on such posts were even more spiteful and negative.  I often wondered how a non-Christian would react if he/she stumbled on that site. I still wonder about that.

It’s amazing that though most Christians are familiar with the fact that the Bible cautions us not to judge, we continue doing the finger-pointing and name-calling all under the guise of speaking the truth and trying to help people out of sin.  

Here’s what Jesus taught on the subject matter.

“Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5.

Jesus’ message is clear: when we decide to judge others, we open ourselves up to be judged as well. And by so doing, our own faults, sins and inadequacies will be exposed.  When you point a finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at you. Jesus said, “how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?”

Before you call someone a fornicator, be certain that you are a virgin or are not engaging in any form of sexual immorality. Before you label someone a thief or a liar, let it be that you have never taken anything that doesn’t belong to you…or have never spoken words that are not true. Your judgment over other people will only be justified if you have never done (or are not doing) any of the things you speak about them… “For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.” Don’t go cleaning out other people’s closets, forgetting that you too have a skeleton-laden, cobweb infested closet of your own.  Because yes! We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God…no one is perfect. Every day, we need God’s forgiveness and a dose of grace to keep us from stumbling or to get back up when we fall.

While there’s an onus on believers to always stand for and speak the truth, we are not called to judge…we are called to love. The two greatest commandments which Jesus…the author of our Christian faith gave us, are to love God wholeheartedly and to love our neighbor as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). Each time we judge someone, we miss an opportunity to lift them up. When we go around telling people how bad or sinful they are, we create a barrier that blocks us from expressing the love of God to them. 

Jesus didn’t just teach love…He lived a life of love. He set the example for us to emulate. Ironically, the only people He out rightly condemned were the Pharisees (the teachers and keepers of the law)…and for the very same hypocritical attitude which He warns us against.

It is God's job to judge, the Holy Spirit's job to convict and our job to love.

And when you don't know how to show them love...pray for them!

Take the limits off!

So many people go through life without any serious dreams, ambitions or concrete plans for themselves…for the future. Others do have plans, but are unable to execute them. Further still, many have talents and gifts but aren't putting them to use; they've remained buried, dormant...not yielding anything fruitful or tangible.

It dawned on me that the main reason why so many people seem to underachieve in life is because of self-imposed limitations, which keep them from never taking that bold step towards achieving their dreams.

Here are the four big ones:

1. People impose limits on themselves due to their circumstances. They look at their environment, family situation, and financial resources etc and conclude that they can't be successful at anything.

2. Oftentimes, we place limits on ourselves based on our past. If we tried certain things before and they didn't turn out right, we give up. We also cling to past mistakes we made and allow them define who we are, hence stifling what we're capable of doing right.

3. Some place limits on themselves based on other people's opinions...what others think they should (or shouldn't) be doing. Many people live out their lives through the eyes of others, and never truly get to discover what great potentials they possess.

4. Another major limitation we place on ourselves is fear. Fear of failure, criticism, and mockery from others. Fear makes you become comfortable where you are, even though you know there is something much better on the other side.

When you place limits on yourself, you'll always come close to doing something, but never actually do it. You'll constantly see yourself as second-best, not good enough, not talented enough, etc. Limitations will always create a barrier between an ordinary, regular life and a fulfilling one.

It is not God's plan for us to go through life without real purpose and without making positive impact. This holds true especially for Christians. God hasn't called us to live anything less than a fulfilling, purposeful and successful life in Him. Infact, we were created on purpose...for a purpose. For Christians, what separates us from the world is that our purpose should glorify God. Whatever we do with our abilities and gifts should reflect God in us.

There is no limit to what God can do. With Him, all things are possible…so with us in Him, and He in us…the sky is just the starting point. This is the kind of thought pattern we ought to develop…we must decide to take the limits off…and learn to see the endless possibilities that exist for us. We only have one chance on earth to make an impact, to productively use our talents and gifts...and we should be determined to do just that.